This is a vulnerable one ya’ll. Buckle in.
One of the most valuable things about being on trail is the space to suss out where I am lacking, where I am feeling loss or scarcity, what needs those feelings are coming from, and where my needs are left unmet. Out here I can trim down the confusion and fear that those feelings bring on and mind the root cause and feed it when I have the time and the space and live beside it somewhat peacefully otherwise.
But every person I see, every town I visit, every minute off trail has the potential to lure my mind away from all of that work. These interactions are also necessary. Even out here I feel i’m caught in a net. I try to find my way back to my work but it’s harder and harder to get myself loose from the tethers.
The small small well of emotional and mental resources that get me through are actually no match for the fact it takes money to do this arbitrary and privileged and transformative thing I’ve been doing, no matter how cheaply I’ve managed it so far.
Were I less tired I could definitely find resources differently but seeking a way around or through a cycle of lack has only reinforced the cycle more heart breakingly. And I have already been tired.
That is a common theme.
A familiar burden.
I fear being seen in this struggle,
and I name it,
and I make a small move
to release myself from its power.
Being off trail has been the hardest part of the trail. My mind is muddied with fear. For every heartwarming moment I’ve seen its shadow, it’s precarious nature. In caring for one we often abandon or endanger another and vice versa. It’s not very often that the one we are caring for is ourself though. Maybe if we did (if we could) we would have a better center of focus. Be better at caring for the whole. I feel that way anyhow, I know that of myself. But truly caring for ones self feels shameful in so many ways. Is about impossible in so many other ways.
And as independant and self sufficient as one tries to be we remain interdependent. Especially in physical and mental illness, poverty, and a myriad of other disadvantages I cannot personally speak to.
I certainly know no larger answer. I stumble under the weight of finding my own answer.
I don’t know what to do other than to keep trying and to rest when I can. The Trail is both of those things. More so than anything else I’ve ever known. I’ve never known joy in these quantities. I didn’t know I could – on a basic chemical level even. Honestly. And that is far from nothing no matter how impossible things feel when I leave and no matter how hard it feels when I return.
I am immeasurably grateful for this experience and for your love and support through it.
Thank you all so so very much.
(P.S. Don’t take time off trail)
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